1. |
Walking Home
10:48
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why do I try to get anything across?
when I can't reply without stumbling over my words
do you have any questions for me
that I can respond to
with a one word answer
you can change the way you sit
to make yourself seem more confident
but it wouldn't feel right paired with the way you act
and you can tell yourself that they don't care
but you'll still worry about the things you wear
coz you only hear everything they're not saying
and you can plan what you're going to say
but it never helps at all anyway
coz it still comes out the same way
and I forget what I wanted to say
and how can anyone find any value in the interactions I have with them and
how could anyone know how I see them when I never turn the right parts inside out?
and I'm lost between the lines now
there's something I've been trying to tell you
but every time I see your eyes now
I need more time to think it through
with all the apprehension I show
I'm sure it's obvious
and there're a lot of people I know
who tell me I'm overthinking this
I know it's written all over me
but I can't read it
I'm walking home now
it's 75 degrees out
and my right hand is spazzing out
out of frustration with what I said
gas station coffee tastes really bad
he said, "what's going on?"
I don't give an answer for fear of it sounding wrong
a lot of the time I lose all perspective
I feel disconnected from everyone I know
now my finger's bleeding coz I cut it on the chem test
I can't tell if I'm making things seem worse in my head
they're saying that it's time but I'm not ready yet
and how could I start after all the time that I've spent
thinking 'bout how it'll be after it's been said
or maybe I'm just scared of seeming changed
and how could anyone find any value in the interactions I have with them and
how could anyone know how I see them when I never turn the right parts inside out?
and I'm lost between the lines now
I think there's something in my way
there're things I'm trying not to hide now
but I hide them anyway
and I'm nervous all the time now
was there something that I missed?
I must have tried a million times now
I think I'm overthinking this
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2. |
On Top of the World
04:44
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trying to make the best of what you said but
I can't seem to turn it around
and every day I'm just droning on and on
but I never seem to make a sound
I'm walking into walls, disregarding the pain
but never wishing for anything new
ashamed of every thought that runs through my mind
sometimes I wish I could be more like you
keep trying to redeem myself
but I can't keep in time
so I'm trying to redeem myself
but all I can do is whine
the sky is so empty, and for all I know
you could hate me more than anything
these words are so empty, for all I know
you could hate me more than anything
feeling on top of the world
I know it can't get better
feeling on top of the world
I know you know me better
trying to find some rest, and I'm trying best
but I can't stand on my own anymore
I've never known what else to do, suffocating in this room
desperate searching for a hole to breath through
take apart your face and rearrange it 'till I'm paralyzed with fear
I wanna lay down, pretend like I'm not here
I never wanna show my face again
(keep trying)
keep trying to redeem myself
but all I do is wrong
keep trying to redeem myself
but any shot I ever had is long gone
the sky is so empty, and for all I know
you could hate me more than anything
these words are so empty, for all I know
you could hate me more than anything
feeling on top of the world
I know it can't get better
feeling on top of the world
I know you know me better
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3. |
Shame
06:37
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I was carefree
I could be who I wanted to be
Berlin dance clubs ever so common
it was strange at first, but I went there often
where men danced with men
and women with women
and my love did not align
with paragraph 175, but I
felt no reason to abide
and we would laugh at the news
ridiculous to think they would follow through
but one day I got a call from the police
my name was on the list
could have been a look, a touch, a gesture
they tore me away from my home
with no ear for my objections
not even a trial
they say my heart is plagued with
a contagious disease
a weakness depriving this land
of the children that I owe her
what they call re-education
seems more like extermination
because I know I cannot change
was I born to die in this place?
my future becomes an afterthought
as my body withstands what my mind cannot
and there will be no redemption story
as we die without any glory
and countless faces
perish only for the love they showed
beaten, tortured, experimented on
but the world may never know
with my former life on fire
I know I’ll never be the same
for this world and for humanity
I can only feel ashamed
my future becomes an afterthought
ss my body withstands what my mind cannot
and there will be no redemption story
as we die without any glory
now that it’s over
who have I to turn to?
when nobody cares to listen
there’s nothing left to do
it’s over now and done with
nothing to have pride in
and something within me is forever broken
and I am swallowed by silence and shame
so what is there now but silence and shame?
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4. |
Moletown (Felt My Head)
02:45
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my pen shook in my hand
your voice shook through my head
I'm too scared to check my phone
I wrote this down on the walk home
and I went to the AP chemistry meeting and I wrote down my information
and I felt my head go numb
I stared at the screen
they sat right next to me
I just stared at the screen
this is where I chose to be
and I sat in the library for an hour and I made no conversation
and I felt my head go numb
I break so easily
can't bear to talk with you anymore
it's all the fault of my sexuality
I asked to use the restroom
and I left a-204 and I walked around in circles
and I felt my head go numb
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5. |
Held Together
06:53
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I wonder if it crossed your mind at all
or if I'm just grasping at straws in my head again
I wonder if I ever smile at all
or if I'm just stretching my lips to the side
and plenty of good things happened today
and I should be feeling better today
I spoke with some people, but I could only hear my own voice
sometimes it feels no better than being all alone
I wonder who I'm really trying to be
it seems like you dictate the way I see myself
I'm walking around with no pants on
until I wake up in my bed afraid to show myself
I won't know myself
if these clouds of doubt keep spinning my conscious around
what holds me together
is running out
I can't convince myself of anything
still, all the lies I tell myself keep getting bigger
and I don't know what to think
and anything I feel slips through my fingers
I feel so detached from everything sometimes I just wanna sit here and withdraw from it all like I don't know what's wrong or what to fix so I ask people what to do and they just tell me to ask someone else nothing's funny anymore I try to say hi to people that I know and they just look at me weirdly can't even make you laugh but it seems like that's the only thing that I can do to make myself worthwhile somehow but it's like my presence is something to be endured coz every fucking time I try to talk to you you just sit there and don't react to anything
I won't know myself
if these clouds of doubt keep spinning my conscious around
what holds me together
is running out
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